Random ass updates. Nothing really in particular to say just thought I should so the question of whether Im alive or not does not ponder through your minds.

I dont want to be Debbie Downer..but my life currently pretty much sucks. Im looking foward to some good things. I really am. I feel weird when people ask me how Im doing. If you know me well then you know Im doing horrible. If you dont ..I just say you know ..livin.

Next weekend boo and I are departing to Boston. Im so EXCITED. First of all I love Boston. I wanted to go to school there..I love IT. I really think some portion of my life I will live there. I just LOVE IT. The forensics team is also heading up there. I have to support my babies. A lot of people are heading up its turning out to be an awesome time. I'm gonna get to see Jorge! Anne is gonna come up from Rhode Island! Its gonna be hawt. I need to get away from New Jersey...and this is probably my only chance.

Yesterday I got a letter in the mail about my student teaching. I will be doing my pre-proffessional internship at Rahway High School. Im kinda nervous. KINDA. But at the same time so excited. Its all coming to an END...FINALLYYYYY...

Valentine's Day. I have nothing to say. Tradition lives on. I will be meetin with my personal trainer tomorrow ..thats what Im doing for Valentine's day. I LOVE my personal trainer. I really think her discipline with me is really helping me. I really love working out with her. She is amazing.

I have to run. I need to go pick up Alicia Keys cd, get my tire fixed and go to work (yes on a Sunday) And then when I come home massive amounts of studying.

Everything has been so HECTIC lately. Crazy. I really havent had a moment to myself.

Close friends know how dearily I adore my father. He has fallen a bit ill It has turned my world upside down and inside out. But the most important thing is he gets better. And even more than that, strength.

School is also driving me insane. Im getting closer to actually becoming a teacher. I realized the first day of class I have no idea how to teach. So Im so excited about learning how too. Its scary cause this is territory I dont know but so exciting. Im so exhausted. It's unbelievable.

I can't wait to escape all of this in less than a month Im going to Boston!

For whatever reason I've become overly emotional.

To the point where I find myself fighting tears at a wrestling match. I was just so happy for those kids, I wanted to cry. To the point where I had to leave the room. Cause I was really gonna start crying.

Or when I watch MADE and I actually do cry, when the unpopular, overweight girl gets a round of applause.

Or when I watch Maury and see the conjoined twins and just sob...

Or when people are mean to me, the slightest thing..I tear up within seconds. Of course I play it off as a joke but no Im really crying.

What is wrong with me? All of a sudden I've become the most delicate person in the entire world. This absolutely sucks. I can't be like this. I dont understand it. Lately while out with friends, and or family I actually take myself out of the place and think about bettering myself. Just out of nowhere. I blame it all on not being in school. When Im in school I dont have time to think about stuff. I have work to do and thats it. Well hopefully all will change in a week.. But then again if it doesnt. I do need to better myself. I catch myself in moments and honestly I am amazed. Amazed at what a real ass I am. Fuh real. Maybe 2005 (the year of the nickle) this shit will be out of my system... one can hope.

Being optimistic, is something I appreciate. But its hard to be optimistic when it comes to yourself. I can tell someone till Im blue in the face things will get better. But for myself, it doesn't work. Today was a prime example I swore that I was going to learn I had ovarian cancer today. Cause what else could go wrong. Luckily,no. Im actually rather healthy again. Well hold on to that one until I see the urolgist....

Also I hate when people place judgment. You can't expect everyone to be knowledgable about the things that matter to you. I dont watch a lot of tv, so you cant call me stupid for not knowing that Seinfield was on for a million years. I hate that. Let people live in their world of ignorance. Dont judge them, teach them. Judging them only makes you an ass. If someone took a moment to explain something, well then you are moving foward on the ladder and they are taking a step towards it.

I kinda do believe in Plato's beliefs. His idea of perfect, or good. What is good. I believe that there is on standard of perfect and everyone strives towards it. I do. Its evident. Even those people who rebel. You are rebelling to be the best, or unique. People have done that been there..its called revolutions. Being precise is most important. Every word counts, hence I appreicate the study of logic and Plato.

Im in this state of limbo. I feel eh. I need stability. I got way to many thoughts. Currently Im reading Harry Potter. For some they believe its lamo, other entertaing. I like Harry Potter cause its fiction, and there is no sense of me connetiong to it. I appreiate that. I dont want to be reminded of my life in any sense. Harry Potter does this for me...

So Im going to go read ...

2005.

How did I bring in my New Year? Well I swore by the hand of god I would stay home and just sleep. However..lie after lie. I didnt. I showed up at my boo's house. Greeted by a gorgeous man, my boo. Totally awesome way to celebrate 05. From the homemade cocktail sauces, and pickles. It was awesome. We almost missed New Years due to the fact that we were watching Sound of Music.

All those starts that were wishing for Dickie Clark to get better,looked like they were reading cue cards. Whats up with that? Janet Jackson..do you even know Dick Clark?

Then we headed out and about. Being with my crazy drunk friends. I love them all. As loud as they are...

We talked about resolutions..
I really cant say that I have one. I have a few. Stay away from hospitals. Become a gladiator. Realistic? Just wanna be happy and healthy.

04- sucked. I really feel 05 is gonna be a good year for all. Seriously. Its just this feeling. Maybe it is just optimism. But I hope so. For everyone not just me.

I will be going to see my good ol migraine specialist on Monday. THEY ARE BACKK. Back like they never left. For about two weeks. I have had possible two migraines a day. I spend a lot of time sleeping. So ...it might be possible Im going to be on my LSD meds. Sounds like an awesome mother fucking time. Be jealous.

Peace out 2004.

Im looking forward to 2005.I was way to sick this past year. I dont want to go near another ultrasound, or any hospitals (American and or German.) So Im hoping my health will be better.

Im also looking foward to finishing up school. Only to find myself back in a classroom, getting my masters and doctrine @ Drew University.

But ultimtately ...MORE PARTYING.
So where's the next party?

New Year's Eve ..still have no idea what Im doing. Anne called me from Cali, asking me what was up. Im totally happy staying home this year. But Im sure..my exciting life won't let me.

Last night I had a dream that I had a baby with ODB. The End.

Christmas. Repeat of Thanksgiving. I totally love my zany family. This time however Barbra takes the cake for tying ribbon around her head and massaging her presents.

What do I want for Christmas? "Things that make me feel sexy." YEAHHHHH.